I was a leader, so I couldn’t be needy. I’d gone through various inner healing programs, so I knew the right answers. I thought my involvement with Journey Canada was simply to provide additional tools to help others with their problems, it wasn’t something I needed. But I soon learned that my deepest wounds had been untouched. I hadn’t allowed God or anyone else to get close enough to meet me in my deepest hurts.
I felt I wasn’t worthy of God’s love. I’d believed the lie that it was only when I got myself together that I would qualify for God’s unconditional love. I’d taught about the importance of love and community but my self-sufficiency, birthed out of my mother wound, caused me to repel love. I was a master at trying to comfort myself and asking help of no one, including God. Neediness was a weakness that needed to be corrected. I believed that until I could abolish my neediness, I wasn’t worthy of help or love. My attempts to move away from shame and loneliness created a treadmill of effort and disappointment. I longed to experience God’s love at a deeper level, but my pursuit seemed illusive. I cognitively understood that God loved me, but I struggled to really experience it. It felt like my heart was impervious – unable to allow God’s love and the love the others to penetrate and be absorbed into my heart and mind.
At Journey, I found the safe place where I could be honest about all of these things. I found people who cared and I found an environment that helped me connect with God. I was able to talk about my hurts and my wounds and the fact that I didn’t think I could be loved until I had overcome my neediness. I was able to begin the process of allowing God to love the parts of me that I didn’t think it was possible to love. I began to let Him into the parts of my heart that I had shut off for most of my life. It was the start of something that I know will have to continue for my whole life.
With persistent tenderness, Jesus is wooing my heart out of the shadows. Long standing patterns of self-sufficiency, denial and “always look your best”, are being chipped away at. Jesus is showing me that it’s not about getting my life together; it’s not about dealing with things on my own and then bringing the finished product to Him; it’s not about trying harder. It’s about admitting my brokenness and my need. It’s about surrendering to God’s love. It’s about falling into the arms of Jesus and accepting His view of me that eradicates shame. It’s about allowing God to re- parent me, to be my Father and Mother, filling in all the deficiencies and heartaches that wounded me so deeply.